Well, shut my cow-mouth

The angel that sits on one shoulder is anemic on the best of days, but I do find myself this close to giving in to the siren call of what may well be a truly terrible comic. I mean, after seeing such deathless prose as “So shut your cow-mouth or I’ll remove your face by hand before I stop your whore’s heart,” I feel the same sense of giddy possibility that I generally associate with a cable broadcast of the musical version of Lost Horizon or Can’t Stop the Music. I mean, if Dr. Doom can talk like that, what kind of Mamet-esque horrors can I expect from the Skrulls? The mind boggles.

Putting aside gender issues (if that’s possible), “You’re a fat piece of furniture I may need for trade!” is nonsensical by just about any standard. Does Dr. Doom haunt online auction web sites that favor the barter system? Is Latveria’s unit of currency the Stickley sofa or Eames chair? I always thought Dr. Doom was given to bombast, not gibberish. (It is Dr. Doom in that sequence, right? It’s not a malfunctioning robot or a teen Skrull, pretending to be a grown-up Earth despot because his friends dared him to?)

I really, really shouldn’t, because every penny I purposely spend on a comic I fully expect to be awful is a penny that I can’t spend on one that I expect to be good. (And plenty of those turn out to be awful anyways.) But I just have to know. Does the dialogue get worse than the samples I’ve already seen? Is that even possible?

6 Responses to Well, shut my cow-mouth

  1. John Jakala says:

    This is a tough one for me because, while I understand the impulse to gawk and mock hilariously bad comics, Marvel has made it abundantly clear that to them every sale = a vote that the purchased comic is the most brilliant piece of work every created, and I hate to encourage them. So in the end I think I’ll have to follow Tom Brevoort’s advice: “if you don’t like it, don’t buy it–that sends the simplest, strongest message.”

    * Still, I am morbidly curious, so hopefully Scans_Daily will cover the truly awful stuff.

    ** On a somewhat related note, over in the comments at Occasional Superheroine, Tom Beland has offered a plausible account of why Doom might have issues with women, but I still can’t shake my nerd-conviction that even a completely outraged and flustered Doom would somehow manage to phrase his misogyny a bit more regally than that.

  2. davidpwelsh says:

    Beland’s argument isn’t a bad one, but I think my view of Doom is more simplistic. He loathes everyone who doesn’t recognize his superiority, and he holds everyone who does in contempt. I’ve never attributed any specific issues to him beyond that, which might say more about my lack of imagination than the character.

  3. John Jakala says:

    I agree with you when it comes to my idealized image of Doom’s character (everyone else is simply beneath him equally), but I could accept Beland’s proposal as part of Doom’s psychological makeup if writers were insistent on making everything in comics more complex (AKA, grimmer & grittier). Plus, given the unfortunate treatment of female characters in many of those old Marvel comics, you could probably point to examples where Doom said something sexist and exaggerate from there. (Someone else in that thread said there was a recent Doom “Year One”-type mini where it was revealed Doom date-raped some woman at college. Which is just EWWW. I mean, I know he’s a villain and all, but can’t he just be the old-school megalomaniacal wanting-to-rule-the-world kind?)

  4. Marco Milone says:

    Jakala, you’ve just stolen my comment!
    ;)

  5. [...] problem is one of dialogue, though, and most complaints see this. As livejournaller Kali states, “Doom is never base.” It’s Doom swearing because it [...]

  6. [...] problem is one of dialogue, though, and most complaints see this. As livejournaller Kali states, “Doom is never base.” It’s Doom swearing because it [...]

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